~Toshi Personal Long Interview~

"Those days were difficult for me, physically and mentally."

After finishing his recording work in Japan, Toshi once again flew to LA in order to have throat surgery. After much worry, his progress was favorable, and on August 1, they held their first live show in a year and two months at Onikobe, with Toshi showing an even more powerful voice than before. However, as the other band members have mentioned in the August issue of this magazine, Toshi's time recording in LA was nothing short of nightmarish. He invested all his energies into recording, under an oppressive schedule that left him barely any time to sleep. Those emotions are clearly felt while listening to the completed album, Jealousy. In this month's issue, we carefully listened to Toshi's anecdotes concerning the secretive production of this album.

We've heard that recording the vocals for this album was incredibly challenging.
Toshi: Well, it has always been that way since Vanishing Vision and Blue Blood. X's songs are difficult to sing, after all. Some parts are tough by the author's design, while others are difficult when it comes to emotional expression. Yoshiki's songs are especially difficult. On the other hand, I felt ready and comfortable to take on hide's and Taiji's songs, so I think they were comparatively smoother to record.

You also had time constraints for the second half of the recording process?
That was horrible. I was still recording, even after I came back to Japan. I was singing moments before boarding the plane, and had been mostly sleep-deprived for about an entire week. I spent most of the day in the studio. Those were dark days... Not only physically, but mentally as well. I remember thinking how good my voice sounded. I went to a doctor and was put on pain medication because there wasn't much time left. It was terrible, but I wasn't going to give up. I think i did a good job, if I do say so myself. And because I wasn't in the best shape to record. And there were no breaks. To be honest, I'm still very much exhausted. Mentally and physically. I would love to take a breather..., but that's unthinkable (laughs). I guess that's the reward for pushing myself so much (laughs). Even so, I'm still happy to have done something I'm satisfied with. There were no compromises, because if there were, the album would have never been finished. I am very pleased in that sense. I'm confident in this album, and want as many people as possible to listen to it. So much so that, if I had the time, I'd like to go to places where we usually don't perform to promote this album.

Did you have any specific goals you wanted to achieve for this album?
I didn't want to be a mediocre singer. I didn't want to sing a just okay line, or something that only sounded 80% good. I wanted to go beyond... It's difficult to put into words, but I wanted to break the mold.

But did it not make the recording process even more demanding?
Of course it did. There were many times when I asked to record again, even when I was given the OK, but I didn't think I had done the job well enough. Obviously, that led to good results. I already had a feeling the recording process would take a long time, since X songs naturally take ages to record. Well, the rumor is that it took way too long (laughs). I was prepared for the long haul from the beginning, so I settled down until it was all done. So much that it pisses me off when I listen to albums with simple singing (laughs). This recording process has turned me into a bitter man (laughs). I'm unable to simply enjoy music anymore. It's a little better now, but when I had just finished recording, I was in such a bad mood that I'd only complain whenever I listened to other people's music (laughs).

"Live Every Day to the Fullest"

Repeated accidents. Anxiety and impatience. A never-ending battle with myself. When you have endured suffering and turned your pain into tears of joy, A masterpiece of which we have absolute confidence was born. But his worries weren't over yet. This interview was conducted just before the tour rehearsals began...

Do you have any notable memories from last year's break until you left for LA?
This is an old one (laughs). We were rehearsing. All of us were in the studio, working hard on writing the songs. Everything was going well. We even went on a trip together, and I had a bad feeling that everything was just so perfect. Then, we had a few incidents and I knew nothing with them is easy (laughs). And ever since then, bigger incidents kept happening, one after the other (laughs). But, for me, it was a plus that the band went on a break and I could disappear from everyone's sights, as that helped me deal with my feelings towards recording. I needed that pause, because up until that moment, I had been so busy I didn’t even have time to gather my thoughts. With the break, I was able to tell myself to work hard on the second phase of recording.

At that point in time, how long did you think the pause of band activities would last?
In the beginning, I thought we would manage to get the album out by the end of the year. But I was feeling good, focused on recording, so I wasn’t concerned about it taking too long.

We’ve heard that the songs were mostly completed before you went to LA, were the lyrics done too?
Not all the lyrics, but hide’s “Miscast”, and “Joker” were very close to being complete. The bass was also done rather quickly, considering how it usually goes. Many of the songs and lyrics were progressing quickly and easily.

So, things were looking up until you got to LA.
Not everything. The date of the flight kept getting delayed because Pata disappeared(Pata had been bedridden but did not tell anyone. The band’s staff panicked, believing he went missing), a lot happened. I finally went to the US in November, and we had yet another incident just as I was getting ready to start working (laughs). When Yoshiki collapsed, I knew I had to accomplish my purpose.

Did you feel impatient when the plans changed, since you were hoping to have the album out in that same year?
When Yoshiki collapsed, I did get the feeling, like: “uh oh, this could be bad”, because his condition was serious and I was worried. There were times when I felt anxious, but as we always do, the band got together and we decided to get to work. Some songs’ arrangements were still unfinished, but for the time being, we did what we could. At that time, I didn’t feel a sense of urgency. But in December, my doctor told me I would need throat surgery. I panicked when he said I was not allowed to speak for a month, except for voice training sessions.

You couldn’t even rehearse?
Nope. Since I was unable to rehearse, I only did voice training with a vocal coach called Roger Love.

So it wasn’t just Yoshiki who was unable to record.
Yes. And that happened just when Yoshiki was about to return. Yoshiki came back and a general schedule was established, but the question now was whether I was going to have the surgery or not. I had to make a choice, and in the end, I chose not to. I opted to not undergo the surgery, and just to continue with the voice training, and the recording. I had no idea what to do. But now, I’m glad I chose to not get the surgery.

Did you write any songs?
I did. Some ballads and some metal songs. I worked hard on them, even though I felt conflicted about them while making them. Meanwhile, everyone else was pumping out song after song, and I had to assimilate and add my arrangements to them, which left me not too much time to work on my own songs. Besides, I'm in shock at how the other band members are such talented songwriters, that my own work pales in comparison (laughs). I also tried to do my best on some lyrics for this album.

Has anyone listened to the songs you wrote?
I think I let hide listen to one, just a tiny bit. Well, if I haven't told anyone I composed some songs in the first place, I guess they won't be listening anyway?

We've heard that the new album was based on the idea of having each band member write their own song. Did you write yours too?
I tried to, of course. I thought I'd give it a shot, in my own way. I already had a huge stock of folksy songs (laughs). Many of which are piano-based compositions, but the problem was that none are guitar-based, metal-chic. They wouldn't be very X-like. I was very worried about that (laughs). I love making songs and I'd like to release them someday.

When did you write the lyrics?
I started thinking about ideas for them right when the band went on break, but the music wasn't ready yet. Little by little I scribbled down thoughts on a notebook, what I should write about, ideas that popped up at that moment. In the end, I believe both the song and lyrics were finished just before the recording process began. They were largely inspired by my experiences in LA. The lyrics for "Voiceless Screaming" were something I had already been having ideas for when I was still in Japan, but wasn't very pleased with. The song was finished when I had the issue with my voice and couldn't rehearse, so it was something I worked on during that time.

Is that why the song is titled "Voiceless Screaming"?
No, it has other meanings (laughs). That title was something I had already decided upon long before. And it was exactly because I was going through that, that I was able to re-examine both myself and those lyrics, and it made me realize that the month I was unable to sing wasn't a waste of time after all. I'm very fond of that song, and I believe that it wouldn't have the same level of perfection if it wasn’t for that experience.

When writing the lyrics, did you have the concept of "jealousy" in mind?
Of course. I had my own words for jealousy, in a broad sense. I think everyone experiences jealousy in their own unique way, my way to deal with it is to leave that feeling in the back of my mind. But I tried not to limit myself too much to that. I just wrote what I felt, and perhaps that led to the idea of jealousy in X's style.

What is your idea of jealousy in X's style?
“X's style” sounds a little strange (laughs). I personally feel that the word jealousy sounds like something that is hidden deep behind human emotions, something that is not often shown. Of course, it does also mean to be jealous of something, but I also feel like that word can be about a warped self-image, hatred, love etc.

Are both of your songs in English?
I tried writing in Japanese, a mixture of Japanese and English, but they ended up entirely in English. Out of everything I tried, English was what I felt sounded best. Then, when I talked to Taiji about it, he said English also sounded good, and so it stayed. I think it was the right move.

Did you write the lyrics entirely in English, from the beginning?
Yeah, my partner and I translated some lyrics that were in Japanese, and from there we worked on many different versions. I talked to him about how I wanted to express certain emotions, and which words to use to make the lyrics feel rougher, and so on. The lyrics for "Desperate Angel" were, originally, much heavier. Taiji suggested I try showing a new side of me on it, as I had already explored that direction in "Voiceless Screaming". So I returned to my origins and tried my hand at rock'n'roll, and that's how I got those lyrics. It's mostly a sex, drugs and rock'n'roll world, but spiced up Toshi style. The 'desperate angels' are based on my impressions of young people at concerts. It's in English, but I encourage you to look it up in the dictionary and feel it for yourself.

Is the chorus portion sung by foreign singers?
It is, I also sing it too. They're American studio musicians, and Roger Love as well. I directed the chorus part, that was fun. They did everything I asked them to do, right away. That's what working with studio musicians is all about.

Was it inspiring to work with them?
Yeah. There are things they can do better, and there are things I can do better (laughs). I learned so much, I became more confident, it was very interesting and inspiring. I could say things like: "No, I don't want that," to them from the mixing table. That felt nice (laughs).

Was "Voiceless Screaming" the first song you recorded?
Yes, because the song doesn't have drums. I was really pleased with how the first take sounded, which gave me confidence for what followed. I was very anxious about my throat issues initially, but just hearing the way I sang it so well made me feel like maybe I could keep on recording, and that improved my mood. However, I couldn’t make it (laughs).

Did you decide that you were going to have throat surgery after the recording was done?
My throat was at its limits as we were finishing the last song in the US. My vocal cords could barely move. The doctor told me surgery was inevitable, but I was doing all I could with the help of medication. I thought I'd sacrifice my throat for this record, and I was ready to lose it forever. I thought I'd take a break when it was over. I decided I'd put myself first just this once, and allow myself to have the surgery, even if our schedule didn't agree with it.

And how are you doing?
Very well. The band still hasn't had a proper rehearsal yet, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried, but I'll make sure I'll sing well to put everyone's hearts at ease again.

Did you ever wonder if you had fans waiting for you while you were abroad?
I did, yeah. But while over there, we received footage of our fans from many filmed concerts. That was extremely encouraging. I felt very emotional when I saw all that excitement, and that video really saved my life during the recording process. Thanks to that video, I could imagine myself up on a stage. Whenever I couldn't sing at all, I just imagined myself singing "Miscast" at the Tokyo Dome.

Wait, but did you already know at that point that the band was going to perform at the Tokyo Dome?
No, it was yet to be scheduled. It was just something I really wanted to do.

And how did you feel when you got the news?
We were still in the middle of recording. I was a little surprised like: "Oh". There was so much to do that I barely had any time to think about the concert. I learned that the tickets had sold out in two hours when we had just finished recording, and I was in a wrecked state (laughs). It took ages for me to finally get it (laughs). And even then, I still couldn't even think about the concert. Then the rehearsals started, and that was when the realization finally hit me. The Tokyo Dome is huge. I wonder if I'll be alright (laughs).

You act as if it didn't concern you (laughs).
Because it didn't (laughs).

And you're going on tour soon.
That's right. I'm just worried about those two consecutive days (laughs).

Don't talk about it like that (laughs).
But, I mean it. Those who got tickets for the latter half should stay alert. Because it might be 3 months before they can actually see the show (laughs).

That would be really bad luck (laughs).
True. In this band, there's no knowing what tomorrow might bring. We're taking things one day at a time, without thinking too much about tomorrow. We’re seizing the day (laughs).